If Paul’s Epistle to the Galatians was Published in Christianity Today
What would the readers'response be today if Galatians were published in a popular christian magazine ?
As my focus bible book this year is
Galatians I was delighted with the parody of Readers’ Letters offered by the
Sacred Sandwich:
I can envisage companion pieces on
Romans, 1 Corinthians, Jude, etc.
Indeed, almost any NT epistle could be subject to this treatment. What makes it not only humorous but deadly
serious is that the parody is little removed from the reality. If for “Readers’ Letters” we substituted “General
Assembly Responses” we could almost predict how certain pseudo-christian
liberals and, more tragically, doctrinally and morally confused professed
evangelicals would react.
While in a light mood, here is a
rejection letter sent to the Apostle Paul from an International Missions
Board. It is one of a number of such
thought provoking parodies kicking around the Internet:
Apostle
Paul's rejection letter from the Foreign Mission Board
Rev. Saul
(Apostle) Paul
Independent
Missionary
Corinth,
Greece
Dear Mr.
Paul:
We
recently received an application from you for service under our Board. It is
our policy to be as frank and open-minded as possible with all of our
applicants. We have made an exhaustive survey of your case. To be plain, we are
surprised that you have been able to “pass” as a bona fide missionary. We are
told that you are afflicted with a severe eye trouble. This is certain to be an
insuperable handicap to an effective ministry. We require 20–20 vision.
Do you
think it seemly for a missionary to do part-time secular work? We heard that
you are making tents on the side. In a letter to the Church at Philippi you
admitted that they were the only church supporting you. We wonder why?
Is it true
that you have a jail record? Certain brethren report that you did two years’
time at Caesarea, and were imprisoned at Rome.
You made
so much trouble for the businessmen at Ephesus that they refer to you as “the
man who turned the world upside down.” Sensationalism has no place in missions!
We also deplore the lurid over-the-wall episode at Damascus. We are appalled at
your obvious lack of conciliatory behaviour. Diplomatic men are not stoned and
dragged out of the city gate, or assaulted by furious mobs. Have you ever
suspected that gentler words might gain you more friends? I enclose a copy of
Dalius Carnagus’ book, “How to Win Jews and Influence Greeks.”
In one of
your letters you refer to yourself as Paul the Aged. Our new mission policies
do not anticipate a surplus of elderly recipients. We understand, too, that you
are given to fantasies and dreams. At Troas, you saw, “A man of Macedonia” and
at another time you were “caught up into the third heaven” and even claimed
that “the Lord stood by” you. We reckon that more realistic and practical minds
are needed in the task of world evangelism.
You have
written many letters to churches where you have formerly been pastor. In one of
these letters, you accused a church member of living with his father’s wife,
and you caused the whole church to feel badly and the poor fellow was expelled.
Your
ministry has been far too flighty to be successful. First Asia Minor, then
Macedonia, then Greece, then Italy, and now you are talking about a wild-goose
chase to Spain. Concentration is more important than dissipation of one’s
powers. You cannot win the whole world by yourself! You are just one little
Paul. In a recent sermon you said, “God forbid that I should glory in anything
save the Cross of Christ.” It seems to us that you also ought to glory in our
heritage, our denominational program, the unified budget.
Your
sermons are much too long for the time. At one place you talked until after
midnight and a young man was so sleepy that he fell out of the window and broke
his neck. Nobody is saved after the first 20 minutes. “Stand up, speak up, and
shut up,” is our advice.
Dr. Luke
reports that you are a thin little man, bald, frequently sick, and always so
agitated over your churches that you sleep very poorly. He reports that you pad
around the house, praying half the night. A healthy mind in a robust body is
our ideal for all applicants. A good night’s sleep will give you zest and zip
so that you wake up full of zing!
You wrote
recently to Timothy that you had “fought a good fight.” Fighting is hardly a
recommendation for a missionary. No fight is a good fight. Jesus came not to
bring a sword, but peace. You boast that “I fought with wild beasts of
Ephesus.” What on earth do you mean?
It hurts
me to tell you this, brother Paul, but in all of the 25 years of my experience,
I have never met a man so opposite to the requirements of the FMB. If we
accepted you, we would break every rule of modern missionary practice.
Most
Sincerely yours,
J. Flavius
Fluffyhead, Sec.
International
Mission Board
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